I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
