I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
