you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
