honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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