You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
