If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
