I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
