Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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