Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
