I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I need water and some morals
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
