so that wasnt chicken after all
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
That accounts for only three of the penises
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
