She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
