So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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