pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
