hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
