Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
