lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
