my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize