My hand turned me down
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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