At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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