turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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