all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
