I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
