There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
