I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize