I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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