So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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