she woke up with a sticky ear
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
