dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
