I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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