as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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