I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
