So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
