Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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