it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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