Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize