i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
