I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
