I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
