You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
