peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Randomize
