you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
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