the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize