Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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