last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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