I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Randomize
