y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
