Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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