If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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