did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize