now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
