Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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