Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
