We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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