i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
