Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
