It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
