made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You ate ashes out of my bong
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
