I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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